- LaLa LaNoir
How Rock Bottom Revolutionized My Life: The Story of My Awakening
The Empath's Dilemma
I grew up an empath and highly sensitive child, which was a stark contrast to my identical twin sister, who had much thicker skin. The disparity in our temperaments fueled my conviction that something was "wrong" with me because I was overly emotional while my sister exhibited what I assumed was a "normal" child's emotional disposition. Despite growing up with the insecurities of being flawed, I would later recognize these same qualities as divine manifestations of my spiritual gifts and a tremendous asset. In addition to what I perceived as the burden of high sensitivity and feeling everything so intensely, my childhood was marked with traumas that shaped who I was and would become.
While many people either assume they don't have any unresolved trauma or simply lack the awareness to perceive experiences as traumatic, I was fortunate to have one such experience revealed to me during a hypnosis session with a therapist. I was stunned to uncover that I'd been traumatized by my parents' split when I was just five years old as I had never correlated that particular experience with having a significant or adverse effect on me. I learned that the termination of my innate bond with my father–talk about being a daddy's girl–was an emotional wound to my psyche that left me feeling broken and abandoned. This was the first of a string of traumas that would leave me with subtle psychological symptoms that would persist just below the threshold of mental health diagnosis until they came raging into the forefront to be addressed.
I won't burden you with excessive details of my troubled past, but I will share some of the most impactful circumstances I have personal experience healing through. My mom struggled financially raising twin girls by herself for four years until my parents got back together when I was nine. Though my father has been sober for over 20 years, he was deployed to the Gulf War shortly after my parents reunited and returned a year later with an alcohol addiction. As a pilot, he spent most of my childhood traveling the world, at which time my household would return to some semblance of normalcy. Over time though, his drinking got much worse until he became mentally and physically abusive, which would continue until I went off to college and he began treatment.
I was sexually abused by an adolescent family member from the ages of 9-11 and was later raped by a friend of a friend at the age of 25. It's a true testament to my healing that I'm able to divulge these devastating experiences as I no longer blame myself and have even forgiven my transgressors as a critical part of my healing process. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was 25 and living almost 1,000 miles away, so I turned to alcohol and marijuana to numb the pain. Her diagnosis single-handedly sparked the desire within me to embark on a spiritual pursuit to find the faith that would sustain me and ultimately reflected the divinity ever-present in my life that had gone undetected and unappreciated for so long. It was during this distressing time that I was first diagnosed with major depression, which I then recognized as something I'd been silently enduring periodically since childhood. However, this time, it was more severe.
My Rock-Bottom Reality
In the midst of my mental and emotional challenges, I continued to climb the corporate ladder as I'd been conditioned that success meant going to school and getting a good job. I attained a Bachelor's of Science in Statistics, a Master's in Marketing Research, and had my sights set on an executive position at a top company. Meanwhile, my mental and emotional health continued to deteriorate. By this time, I was severely depressed having added generalized anxiety disorder and post-traumatic stress to my diagnoses. Not to mention, I was working at the most stressful job I ever had at the then Fortune 1 company with my next mental health diagnosis looming.
When I received the devastating news from my mother that my mentor of over 10 years had died suddenly, I instantaneously developed a chronic motor tic in my left shoulder. This tic would forcibly jerk my head and left shoulder together whenever I thought about him–enter my conversion disorder diagnosis. This loss was particularly difficult for me because it wasn't until after my mentor passed away (he was only 46) that I realized just how much I loved him, as evidenced by the tremendous grief and subsequent guilt that ensued.
I lost my grandmother two years later on Mother's Day. Upon returning to work after attending her funeral, I had my most severe panic attack yet, which brought about an out-of-body experience (though I wouldn't identify it as such until several years later). I'll never forget "watching" myself walk into work that day, the sensation of floating up the stairs to the second floor, and the inner knowing that the stress of my job was in direct opposition to my soul's divine plan for my life (though I wouldn't have used those words to describe this feeling at the time). Needless to say, that was my last day at that job as my sights were now firmly set on healing. While my intention to embark on my healing journey was crystallized by this experience, things would continue to get much worse before they got any better.
Apprehensive about my mental state, my dad drove the 350 miles to where I lived to ensure I was ok. When he arrived and determined I wasn't, he urged me to leave my job and move back home to focus solely on my recovery. I'm forever grateful for his love and support, as I know I wouldn't have prioritized my healing over my livelihood without his encouragement. I anticipated that leaving behind the job I thought was responsible for my mental breakdown would ease my suffering. Unfortunately, my loss of financial independence and the realization of losing everything I'd placed so much value on instead began to chip away at my will to live.
By this point, my mental health was gravely affecting my ability to function and live a normal life as I had difficulty eating, sleeping, enjoying the things I once loved, and even getting out of bed. Sometime later, when my tic disorder turned into a full-blown pseudo-seizure, my dad tried to have me committed to a psychiatric hospital due to his considerable concern for my safety and wellbeing. I was quite relieved to discover that my suicidal ideation wasn't grounds for my admittance and was released into the treatment of my therapist and psychiatrist.
I must emphasize here that suicide is never the answer. I empathize immensely with anyone who has ever considered this and strongly advise anyone contemplating this as a way out to seek help from a mental health professional immediately. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can help at 800-273-8255.
I Can Heal Myself
When western medicine's treatment approaches failed to provide sustainable relief after over four years of disciplined effort, including intensive therapy, I became more determined than ever to heal myself through holistic means. With no plan for the first time, I began trusting life's synchronicities which ultimately led me to the discovery of my healing journey, intuitive gifts, and life's mission to raise the vibration of the planet, one soul at a time, starting with myself. Having been an avid reader before losing interest in everything, I was guided to purchase a book about expanding consciousness that led me to the ancient practice of kundalini yoga. Eager to learn more about this yogic technology, I enrolled in a teacher training certification program less than a month later.
My kundalini yoga certification program is where I first learned about the possibility of developing the spiritual gift of intuition which I was enamored with and fervently pursued. Next thing you know, I was seeing two intuitive therapists who worked together with all of their clients and were instrumental in encouraging me to start a daily meditation practice to connect with my spirit guides. Though it would take several years before I would achieve this goal, I received numerous unexpected benefits from my practice that transformed my life and are the reason I adoringly refer to my meditation practice as my daily medicine. For me, meditation's efficacy was far superior in restoring my mental and emotional health than any prescription drug I ever tried (and trust me, there were many).
By this time, I was convinced that developing my intuition would be the key to unlocking my healing, and my meditation practice gave me just enough awareness and relief to make this vision a reality. While my healing journey incorporated lots of trial and error, in retrospect, I recognize that even the healing modalities that didn't resonate or provide results always moved me one step closer to a modality that did. I became obsessed with learning as much as I could about all things spiritual and metaphysical and utilized teachers, trainings, and lots and lots of books to satisfy my intense curiosity. Here's a list of the tools and techniques I credit with my metamorphosis (these are in no particular order and are not exhaustive nor mutually exclusive):
diet and exercise
self-love and self-care
hypnosis including past-life regression
Akashic Record work
many psychic, mediumship, and astrology readings
eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR)
living with intention
grounding and connecting with nature
connecting with like-minded individuals
and most importantly – developing a personal relationship with my spirit team, which consists of Source (the Creator), guides, my higher-self, ancestors, crossed-over loved ones, angels, and many other beings of the highest divine light that lovingly assist me.
Divine Guidance & Gratitude
There's nothing more fulfilling than the knowledge that you're always supremely supported in spirit and NEVER alone. During my darkest times when I was hopeless and inconsolable, my heaviest burden was "feeling" isolated and utterly alone in this world despite having the loving support of my family all around me. If only I had an inkling of the support I now rely on from spirit, I would never have questioned whether I could get through those desperate times. With the support of my spirit team, I've transformed my life from the inside out and continue to radiate the glow of healing and gratitude.
Thanks to my divine guidance and willingness to sit with things I'd grown accustomed to running from, I've released limiting beliefs that kept me stuck, transformed my relationship with fear from one of paralysis to appreciation, and gotten to know myself in ways that I never even aspired to. I revere my whole self including my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual aspects unapologetically by taking accountability for the wholeness of each. I'm not perfect, and I no longer strive to be (recovering perfectionist here). I recognize my growth opportunities now more than ever and am committed to the pursuit of being my best self at all costs. I give myself grace when I fall short, compassion where I lack awareness, and unconditional love because I'm worth it! My wisdom is divine and my path is inspired–all thanks to the support of my spirit team.
My sentiment is best expressed in the quote, "I'm thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn't have stumbled across my strength" by Alex Elle. As a result of my life's trajectory, I now embrace challenges and pain as opportunities for growth instead of resorting to the victim mentality that confined me to the "why me" cycle of disempowerment and woe. As I continue to raise my vibration and awareness, I'm afforded the ability to perceive life from a more and more elevated perspective where gratitude reigns supreme and receptivity trumps conviction. Sending infinite love, light, and gratitude, gratitude, gratitude to everyone who supported me on this journey! I'm grateful for every hardship, every loss, every victory, every progression, every breath, and everything that makes me "me."